Backstage
    C. Hemmings and BJ Dixon

Disclaimer: The ACTUAL Dragon Lance novels are written by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. We do not claim to have created the characters from their books.

WARNING: This is the product of a "SILLY SESSION" between BJ Dixon and C. Hemmings. Those who have some knowledge of the Dragon Lance novels will get the corny jokes, the rest you shall probably be stumped and think we're idiots. Well, come to think of it, you'll think we're idiots anyway. It was supposed to be a chat game, the setting was supposed to be Raistlin and Caramon on their way to the Tower of High Sorcery at Wayreth for the Test.  

And that's were it all went wrong...

Characters

C. Hemmings --- narrator, Raistlin, the rabbit
BJ Dixon --- narrator, Caramon, Tanis, SecurityGuard, Bupu, DeliveryMan

"BACKSTAGE"

C.Hemmings:  "Want to play that character game later?"
BJDixon:  "Is Tasslehoff a kender?"
C.Hemmings:  "Ok. Who are you gonna play in the game?"
BJDixon:  "THE IRATE SORCEROR WHO ZAPPED THE HALF-WIT PRINCE INTO ANOTHER  DIMENSION!!!"
C.Hemmings:  "I meant in the character game." (*Taps foot.)
BJDixon:  "Probably Caramon, my dear brother..." (to Raistlin)
Raistlin:  "That's my line, my brother. . ."
Caramon:  "Oh."(Looks ashamed and shuffles feet.)"Then what's my line, Raist?"
Raistlin:  "Where's the food generally works. That or "where's the fight?"
Caramon:  (Holds sword in the air and yells.) "FIGHT!"
Raistlin:  "NOT NOW!!!"
Caramon:  (Charges forth and runs smack into a tree.) "Oh Raist, I don't feel so good..."
Raistlin:  *Sigh* "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Caramon:  "Uh, Three and a half?"
Raistlin:  "Okay . . . Who am I?"
Caramon:  "Fish..Fish. FISTANDATILUS! Uh, no, What was the question?"
Raistlin:  (Cocks an eyebrow)"Wha-?! No! That's later!"
Caramon:  "Oh,  Sorry. Now, Where was the fight?"
Raistlin:  "There is no fight, my brother. . ."
Caramon:  "Oh..." (Slumps in disappointment.)
C.Hemmings:  (A rabbit hops into the clearing.)
Raistlin:  (Sees it.) "Don't say it. . ."
Caramon:  (Cheerfully) "Look Raist, a bunny!"
Raistlin:  (Sighs, pets the bunny.)
Caramon:  "Where were we goin?" (Picks himself up off the ground, brushing dust off his clothes.)  "I think I landed in a mudhole..."
Raistlin:  (Stands up, still holding the bunny.) "Towards Wayreth. . ."
Caramon:  (Groans.)  
Raistlin:  "What now?" (Continues to pet the rabbit.)
Caramon:  "I hate going to the tower, It's so creepy. Is Dalamar still hanging around?"
Raistlin:  "Who?!" (cocks eyebrow)
Caramon: (Gets stumped look on his face.) "Sorry, fastforward."
Raistlin:  "Okay . . ." (Looks slightly confused.)
Caramon:  "Let's just drop it." (Thinks a second.) "Not the bunny..."
Raistlin:  "Of course not the bunny! You can be such an idiot at times."
Caramon:  (Shrugs.) "I'm not a complete idiot, I'm only a half-wit."
Raistlin:  (Groans.)

BJDixon:  (The twins continue walking, Raistlin is still holding the bunny.)

Caramon:  "Are you sure you want to go through with this, Raist? We can still turn back you know."
Raistlin:  "I do want to go through with this. I have to do this. Nothing else matters at this point."

BJDixon:  (Caramon's face seems to fall. He walks alongside his brother glumly.)
C.Hemmings:  (The sun starts to fall.)

Caramon:  (Jumps back as the yellow disk falls and crashes, breaking into a million pieces where he had stood.)     "Hey,   "WATCH IT!"
Raistlin:  (Dodging pieces of the yellow disk.) "Only you could cause the sun to break."
Caramon:  "I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WAS THE STUPID PROP GUY! WHY DID THEY HIRE A KENDER! I'M SURPRISED THAT WE STILL HAD A SUN TO BREAK!"
Rabbit:  (Gets up off the ground.) "That's it! That's IT! I'm sick of this!"  (Walks off set)

BJDixon:  (Tanis runs onto the set.) 

Tanis:  "What did you do! We open tomorrow! They're gonna kill me! Tika, where's the willow bark, AGHHH!"
Caramon:  "Oh, great, there goes the rabbit, Tas broke the Sun, Flints fussing about the buffet table, and now Tanis has a headache."
Raistlin:  (Sighs) "I gotta go get into make-up for later. I'll see you bro."
Caramon:  "See ya, Raist. Are we still gonna meet at the inn later?"
Raistlin:  "It depends on the rest of the day." (Make-up person starts putting gold make-up on him.)
Caramon:  "You'd better make sure they have some of that stuff to get the gold off. Remember last time, they ran out and so you were gold for two days straight."
Raistlin:  "Yeah. . ." (Talks to the make-up lady after she's finished.)

BJDixon:  (Caramon goes over to the buffet table. He sees Tas arguing with the set security guard, trying to explain how the keys to the building came to be in his pouches. The guard dumped the bags, then made an announcement for everyone in the building to come get their stage passes back.)
C.Hemmings:  (Tanis is sitting with a wet rag across his forehead, talking to Laurana.)
BJDixon:  (Caramon goes over to the security guard, picks Tas up by his topknot, and proceeds across the set. He throws Tas into a rather large black box.)

Caramon:  "Now, if you steal the lightbulbs, you'll never be able to come out."
Flint:  (Picks up his pass.  Grumbles) "Doorknob of a kender. . . "
SecurityGuard:  (yells) "THAT REMINDS ME, MAKE SURE ALL THE DOORS STILL HAVE KNOBS!"

Bupu:  (Runs over to Raistlin, holding a very dead lizard.) "Me help. This get off stuff."
Raistlin:  "That's okay, little one." (To make-up lady) "This stuff will come off, won't it?"

Caramon:  (Carrying a heaping tray of food, walks over to Tanis.) "You ok?" 
Tanis:  (Looks at him mean.) "Why don't you go fishing with Flint or something?"

Raistlin: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS WON'T WASH OUT?!!!" (Storms across stage.)
BJDixon:  (EVERYONE looks up, wide-eyed.)  
Caramon:  (whispers) "UH-OH..."
Raistlin:  (Eyes blazing, storms across set.) "Stupid, idiotic old bat." (Mimicking make-up woman) "We don't have any of the removal cream, dearie. They thought the permanant hair dye would be cheaper."
Caramon: (Ducking as a lightening bolt shoots across the set.) "Oh great, now he has special effects working overtime..."
C.Hemmings: (Raistlin and the make-up lady are arguing.)
Raistlin:  "No, I don't think its a look that will catch on!"

BJDixon:  (An unsuspecting delivery man walks over to Tanis.)
DeliveryMan:  "Uh, sir, the studio has decided to cut the budget. We won't be able to fill your last order for regular lenses for one of the actors.  The budget committee recommends that he use the one's for the shooting."
Tanis:  (Groaning) "OH, NO..."
C.Hemmings:  (Tanis directs the delivery guy to the make-up woman. He tells her, she shakes her head. Raistlin's eyes open wide.)
Caramon:  (Looks at the others...) "At the count of three, RUN!!!"
Raistlin: (Outraged.) "Reconstructive eye surgery?! What kind of cheapskates have we got in the front office?!"

BJDixon:  (Just before the lightening bolts surged around the delivery man and the make-up lady, all the companions (including the director, TANIS) ran out of the soundstage, running like mad for the front gates.)

C.Hemmings:  (Raistlin comes strolling outside, staff in hand, whistling.)
BJDixon:  (Smoke and the acrid smell of burnt make-up come seeping from the building.)

Caramon:  "Raist, are they alive?"
Raistlin:  (Smiles.) "Yeah, but now their hair color is permanent, too...Its gonna take years to get the smell out of there. . ." (Smirks.)

BJDixon:  (The Companions look at each other and groan.)

[END]

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