The Krynnish Dating Game
by Kaeren and Darchala
| Theme music (Dating Game theme) | |
| Announcer | It's . . . The Krynnish Dating Game, with your congenial host, Tasselhoff Burrfoot! |
| Crowd applause; fade down music | |
| Tas | Welcome to the Krynnish Dating Game. I'm Tasselhoff. Today's bachelor will be going on a dream date with one of three lovely ladies. Let's meet them now. |
| Sound of motorcycle approaching at high speed, coasting in, stopping. | |
| Tas | The wonderfully evil Takhisis . . . |
| Enthusiastic applause and wolf whistles | |
| Tas | The righteously beautiful Crysania . . . |
| Much less enthusiastic polite applause, including a bored 'yaaay' from someone in the crowd. High-heeled footsteps click across the floor. A stumble (or was she tripped??) accompanied by an 'Ow!' | |
| Tas | And the lovely Bupu. |
| A cacophony of bizarre clanking, bumping, clattering, dropping and shattering noises | |
| Tas | Welcome, ladies! Before we introduce today's bachelor, why don't we tell the audience a little bit about you. We'll start with you, Bupu. |
| Bupu | Me Bupu of Clan Bulp. Me one and one and one and one and one. Two. No more than two. Want pretty husband. Make magic. See? |
| Collective 'yuck' from audience | |
| Bupu | (proudly) Rat magic good magic. Me big juju cleric in Xak Tsaroth. |
| Crysania | (politely) Gesundheit! |
| Tas | Ahh, yes. Um . . . Thank you, Bupu. Now, let's move on to Crysania. |
| Crysania | I am a good person, very good, because that is how I was made. A cleric is supposed to be good. The gods frown on magic-users. |
| Squeak of indignation from Bupu, and a snarl from Takhisis | |
| Tas | Uh, thank you, Crysania. Last, but certainly not least, Takhisis. |
| Takhisis | (in digital-delayed, ring-modulated, and just plain weird voice) It's about time. It's not good form to keep the Dark Queen waiting, you know. Toads and salamanders were once game show hosts and self-righteous clerics. |
| Tas | (with nervous pseudo-enthusiasm) Couldn't have
said it better myself! Now, let's meet the . . . uh . . .
"lucky" bachelor.
He hails from Solace, he's a mage, and he's here because Margaret lost a bet with Tracy. A warm Krynnish welcome, if you please, for Raistlin Majere! |
| Wild applause and, obviously from women, shouts and whistles | |
| Tas | Welcome, Raistlin. Before we start the questions, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself. |
| Raistlin | (whispering) Well, Tas, as everyone knows, I (cough cough) took my Test in the (cough) Tower of High Sor . . . (cough wheeze) High Sorcery at age twenty-one (several coughs and a wheeze), making me the youngest (prolonged coughing bout) Oh, let's just get this over with! (aside) Caramon, what have you done with that tea?? |
| Tas | Right. On to the game. |
| Sound of rustling paper | |
| Tas | (whispering) Here. Read this. |
| Raistlin | (reads a few lines under his breath) You must be joking! |
| Tas | N'no . . . Just read them. |
| Sound of paper being crumpled and tossed aside | |
| Raistlin | Okay. Contestant number one, why would I want to go out with you? |
| Takhisis | (in sultry voice, er, voices) Well, who wouldn't want to go out with me? I am a goddess, after all. |
| Crysania | A GODDESS?? |
| Raistlin | Contestant number two, same question to you. |
| Crysania | Modesty forbids me from answering that question. |
| Boos from the audience, and a yell of 'Cop out!' | |
| Raistlin | Contestant number three, what would you like to do on a date? |
| Complete silence | |
| Raistlin | Contestant number three? |
| Tas | (stage whisper) Psst! Raistlin! |
| Raistlin | (listens as Tas whispers something) You can't be serious. (sighs in despair and clears throat) Contestant number one and one and one. |
| Bupu | Oh! That Bupu. |
| Raistlin | (patiently) Yes, Bupu. If we went on a date, where would you like to go? |
| Bupu | Xak Tsaroth. |
| Takhisis and Crysania | Gesundheit! |
| Raistlin | Contestant number one and one and one . . . What's your idea of a dream date? |
| Bupu | Hold hands with pretty man. |
| Audience goes 'Awwww . . .' | |
| Raistlin | Contestant number one, same question to you. |
| Takhisis | Well, I think I'd start by chaining you to a wall . . . |
| Audience, impressed, goes 'Woooo . . . ah!' and whistles. | |
| Takhisis | And then I'd tear your lungs out. |
| Grossed-out noises ('Eww!') from the crowd. Raistlin starts to cough again. | |
| Takhisis | Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. |
| Raistlin | (Catching breath) It's all right. I just get a little nervous when anyone mentions lungs. (pause) Especially my lungs. (aside) Caramon!! |
| Takhisis | You sound so terribly familiar. Have you ever been to Neraka? |
| Raistlin | (Dodging the Neraka question) Contestant number two . . . |
| Bupu | Hello, pretty man! |
| Raistlin | No . . . the other contestant number two. What is the most important quality you look for in a date? |
| Crysania | (Nicely firm) Faith. Faith in the true gods. |
| Raistlin | Could you be more specific? We do have twenty-one to choose from. (Under his breath) Twenty-two, if I have anything to do about it! (In regular whisper) The gods of good, of evil, of neutrality . . . |
| Crysania | What a ridiculous question. The gods of good, of course. Who in their right mind would worship the other ones? (Tak pokes her) Ow! |
| Sound of chair being shifted away | |
| Crysania | As I was saying . . . OW!! Do you mind? That's my hair you have your fingernails tangled up in. |
| Takhisis | Oh, is that your hair? I thought it was enameled seaweed. |
| Five slaps, one for each of Tak's faces | |
| Crysania | How dare you insult the chosen of Paladine! |
| Two chairs crash to the floor | |
| Takhisis | I'll get you, my pretty, and your little god too! |
| Splash of water | |
| Takhisis | AIEEE!!! My makeup! It's melting! |
| Crysania | Now whose hair looks like seaweed, you . . . you . . . (Spluttering) |
| Patter of small gully dwarf feet | |
| Bupu | Come, we go. I know way. Good way. Safe way. No bitches. |
| Takhisis and Crysania | (Stop fighting for an instant) HEY!! |
| Sound of Tak's motorcycle being kick-started | |
| Bupu | (Shouting over motorcycle) Bupu save pretty man. Come back Xak Tsaroth. |
| Audience | Gesundheit! |
| Cue theme music over sound of Crysania and Tak fighting | |
| Announcer Voice-Over | Our parting contestants receive . . .
A year's supply of Otik's Instant Spiced Potatoes! A combination hair dryer, pickle gun and motion-sensitive cinnamon shaker, from Nevermind 2000! And Draconian Motel . . . The Dracs check in; they don't check out. Stay tuned for Name That Geek, coming up next! |