Raistland's Flavor of the Varying Period, Issue 3

ISSUE ONE || ISSUE TWO
We at the RFPV claim our work as our own, and in no way does it belong to WotC or their owner, Hasbro -- the people who brought you Pikachu.  The RFVP is ours, and they can't have it - nyeah nyeah!!  The RFVP does not club baby seals; proceed at your own risk.

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In this issue...

So it's been a long time! 
Told you so. This is where the "varying" line comes in.  It varies.

So to celebrate Raistland's own publication's return to "print," this RFVP is a very special ALL CLASSIFIEDS issue! (Which means get off yer duff and submit some articles so we can get rolling again!)

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The RFVP Classifides

Seeking a new apprentice?  Want to publicize your latest magical invention?  Want to sell that old wagon?  Submit an ad to the Classifieds!  It's free!

A note -- we will no longer accept ads in gnomish-common, as it's giving our editor a headache to mess with the typesetting.  Our apologies.

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For Sale: One Double-headed Battle Axe.  Previous owners: 1 retired minotaur.  Clean and ready for use. Has been blessed by Huma.  Price: 100St.  Contact: Kaz.

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Certainly no one can live without their very own Salt-Encrusted Porthole Opening Iron Spider, that famous gnomish tool that saved the lives of Cael Ironstaff and myself in the famous and extensive sewers of Palanthas-- certainly the Theives' Guild of the Fifth Age would not be here today without it! Available by mail-order (not liable for any damages to the mail carrier or anyone nearby) or you may simply visit my home, in its conveniently central location right under the storm drain in front of the Great Library of Palanthas.

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Lost: One baby silver dragon. Goes by the name Fritz. She is a loveable creature who we consider one of the family. Last seen near Kendermore. Please contact us at 555-1566 if you have information. There is a reward for her safe return.

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WANTED: One sword to be forged in fire of magic, to replace former sword which has run off to become rock guitarist in hedonistic denial of his destiny.  Must be ambitious, intelligent, talented in the Art, and not susceptible to the bargaining of liches or the temptation of Dreadchicks.  A physical exam and background check will be conducted on all eligible applicants.  Contact P. Salian at selfrighteous@yahoo.com

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Wanted: skilled assassin for the gruesome murder of one 'Valin.' Preferably a black robe with gold skin. You can get in contact via email: goodgurl@palidinestemple.com

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If you are Raistlin or any other dark mage PLEASE EMAIL me! I wish to be trained in the dark magics. I'm half-elf half-kender. I'm very pretty too by the way. So if your looking for an apprentice email me please. (editor's note: no email given!)

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FOR SALE: Metal masterwork items. Swords, weapons, armor, jewelry. Contact flint@solacemetalwork.dwf for information.  NO KENDER ALLOWED!

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WANTED: Boots, all kinds, any style or size, for private collection. Please ship to Tanis, P.O. Box 1443, Solanthas, 80919. Prefer tight, black knee-high model worn by Dragonarmy officers.

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DESPERATELY SEEKING: Saw you in Palanthas Dave's Mageware Shop, on 7/13/354. You: black robe, golden skin & eyes, white hair, sneer, carrying large wooden staff. Me: five heads (red, black, green, white, & blue), wings, long tail. Let's get together for drinks and everlasting torture. Call me at 555-TAKY

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WANTED: One copy of "The Rules."  Will pay good steel.  Please deliver to Revered Daughter "C. Tarinius," Box 255, Temple of Paladine, Palanthas.

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Having problems with your mortal enemies when they can't see you?  Seeking counsel on how to dominate the Blood Sea with a toothpick and a surfboard?  Or just want to get back at that last hot blonde elf who dumped you because you were a halfling?  Then come on down to the Very-Short-Person-Who-Is-Vertically-Challenged-Present-Emporium-To-Get-Back-At-That-Kindergarten-Classmate!  Here you can find the best of gifts for your hated foes to make them quiver in fear with a push of a little red button.  We currently stock manuals like "Genetic Mutation And It's Vengeful Uses", thermonuclear toasters, and services to hire your own personal gnome genius, halfling rock band, or dwarvish home renovators.  Perfect to inspire fear and conquer your neighbor's backyard.  It's the gift with a Boom-Bop-Fizz-Bang-Whirl!

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found:  two silver spoons, a piece of red twine, three or four rings of varying sizes and styles, a large orb-looking thing, a pair of glasses with one lens missing, an amulet, a comb, 16 silver pieces, a small golden locket, nineteen scrolls, a map of tarsis, and seven chicken feathers. Call Lockwood Haverbash in Balifor. Not responsible for lost or stolen items.

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Have you lost something recently? Cant recall where you put down that wonderfully interesting doo-dad?  Well you're in luck today!  Just call Kender Recovery Services!  We're the premier lost and found agency here in krynn, you lost it, we got it!  For a small impound and kender control fee you can get back all of your lost items (or close substitutes) today!  Yes you heard me, Today!!  So call KIL-KNDR today!  Remember, the small fee you pay goes to kender control, so don't delay!

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Wanted: Hot, sexy male mages, preferably of the black or red robes.  Must be young or at least ageless-looking, virile, and not averse to having chocolate sauce dripped on self. "Experience" a plus. Apply at 539 Sylvan Drive; ask to speak to the Dreadchicks.  Please bring nude photos of self or be prepared to disrobe. White-robed pansies who marry their cousins need not apply.

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Riverwind -- All is forgiven! If you can live with my devotion to Mishakal, I can live with your obsession with Britney Spears. Come home!  Love, Kan-Tokah

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MISSED OPPORTUNITY:  Saw you in Tarsis, after Yule.  You: elven, incredibly beautiful, black hair, violet eyes, veil, snobbish attitude.  Me: human, Knight of Solamnia, large mustaches, antique armor, stern and rigid.  Would like to meet you for a drink, assuming one of us doesn't get killed first.  Please call S. Brightblade, 555-3782.

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LOST: One shocking pink marabou boa. Last seen in the Shrinking Violet Inn, 11/22/353.  Sentimental value, and a damn fine accessory.  Reward!  Call T. Half-Woman at 555-1313 if found.

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LOST: One tube of glue remover, half-used.  If found please return IMMEDIATELY to 539 Sylvan Drive, attention G. Knightsong.

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FREE TO BAD HOME: One Cleric of Paladine, badly behaved, claws furniture and makes messes on rugs. Has had shots, as well as whippings, torture, and force-feedings of stale corned beef hash. Must find demented, heartless owner soon, as current owners are sick of her whining.  Please contact D. Nightson at 539 Sylvan Drive.

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Seeking: White-robed archmage to train an newly white-robed elf. I am gifted in magic and wish for a good Shalafi. Contact Stataris at: the Tower of High Sorcery

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NEEDED: Seeking the Staff of the Black-blooded Onyx and the Blood Crystal Staff of Sothic. Staff of Onyx belongs to me; Staff of Sothic belongs to elder twin. Lost near Palanthas. If there is a hope of finding or locating these priceless and deadly staffs, contact us at lasto_beth_lammen_nimnar@hotmail.com or (785) 537-4299!!! Needed quickly, before brother uses Fireball spell carelessly.

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Care to submit an article...?  Email the editor!

The RFVP is published whenever there are enough articles submitted to justify putting it together;
we don't own Dragonlance or the characters held therein.