|
Raistland's Flavor of the Varying Period, Issue 2 The RFVP is not tested on animals; proceed at your own risk. =============== In this issue... Jerky, at risk of life and limb, has sent us a revealing interview with the bunny mastermind E. Asterbunny himself! The attack on the Tower continues - field reporter Vegita brings us the latest news. by Misoks The RFPV Classifieds (Submit your ad!) Nora brings us a new view with her editorial-- Caramon Majere: friendly fighter or dumb as a rock? Lord Soth has finally come out of the closet - and Guin was there to catch it all. ===============
Interview with the
Bunny After a long journey through different TV channels, I found something called: The Bunny Channel. I called them, and guess who is the president? Edward Asterbunny himself! So I made Niklas make a few arrangements, and wham. Suddenly I had an appointment with the most sinister entity on the planet. The meeting went as follows. J: Hello, Mr Asterbunny. E.Asterbunny: Make it quick... I got eggs to corrupt. J: Aah, that brings us to our first question. You say you corrupt eggs, right? Asterbunny: Yes. J: Did you have anything to do with the creation of draconians? Or do you simply do it for the pleasure, the thrill, and sexual arousement you get from poisoning little children? Hey! I am warning you! I have diplomatic immunity! Let go of me! Asterbunny: For your information, I did not corrupt dragon eggs... and I do not corrupt eggs to poison little children... Uhm.. I bake cookies. Yes, Mr Asterbunny's good time, extra chewy- J: A likely story. Asterbunny: Excuse me?? J: Nothing. So, how did it feel to almost turn me, Niklas Danielsson, and Anaria Hollo into a bunny? Asterbunny: How does it feel to be the biggest failure of Raistlin Majere? J: You shut up! Asterbunny: No you shut up! J: You son of a- Asterbunny: At least I am the son of something! Unlike others I can mention! J: GAAH!! You stuck up little *****! Just because you happen to be the devil incarnate- Asterbunny: I am bigger than you, so shut up! Damn it, now I got slime stains all over my waistcoat! J: They only make it look better. Asterbunny: How can you say that!? J: Anything would make that waistcoat look better. LET GO OF MY ARM! Asterbunny: Make me! SECURITY! J: NO! Please! Calm down! I apologize. Listen, I have to ask you. Asterbunny: What? J: What was your master plan in getting into the mind of Raistlin Majere? Asterbunny: Now THAT I can answer. It is all very simple. Ever since he was a child, we have been breaking into his head. because we knew what would happen, if he became powerful. His life quest, to use the gnome word, was to destroy bunny's everywhere. J: But what of the scene in War Of The Twins, when he is kind to that bunny? Asterbunny: Don't you see? He was under them bunny's control. Now, I struck a pact with Takhisis, that she would stop Raistlin from becoming a God, and I would in return not try to threaten her power. J: You mean that Raistlin and Takhisis where friends before him traveling to the Abyss? Asterbunny: Friends? More than friends. She used to come over to him for tea and cupcakes. But they got into a big fight over who was going to use the blender first, and that is where I saw it fit for me to contact the queen. Takhisis was more than happy to agree, for, as I quote her, "He is such a meanie. He is not my fiend any more." Hey, Live One! Quit laughing. It is not funny, it is tragic. J: Right. Ah, next question. If you got to chose between a tiny cup of carrot juice, and saving your mother's life, which one would you take? Asterbunny: The juice. Next question. J: Why taking the name Edward Asterbunny? Asterbunny: Because that is who I am. E Asterbunny. Easterbunny. Plus the fact that I don't like the name Eric Asterbunny. J: If I called you a rabbit, what would you say? Asterbunny: You will never call me a Rabbit, because you will be dead before you even think the thought. J: Was that a threat? Asterbunny: You bet. J: I see... Well, it seems like our time is up... Thank you for this talk. Asterbunny: Listen up, worm. If you ever contact me again, in any way, I will personally rip that arm out of your socket and shove it where the sun don't shine. J: Why would you want to shove an arm into the Liar Of The Live One's? GAAH! Ok, ok! I'm going. (End) ===============
Gully Dwarves
Attempt Attack on Tower of High Sorcery First of all, I want to clarify that I am not writing this because I want to. That blasted woman insisted that I get a job, so she made me do this. Like I, a Saiya-jin prince am supposed to care about what’s going on on this blasted planet. Well, anyway, they made me go try to find some blasted forest that moves, for Kami’s sake! Whoever heard of a forest that’s in one place one second, and in another the next? So, while I was waiting for this forest to just APPEAR (I still seriously doubted that it actually existed) I was forced to set up camp and actually sleep on the ground where I was attacked by some vile and nasty insects that I have never seen the likes of in my entire life. Since I had no intention of sharing my bed with them, I decided that setting up camp was a bad idea and proceeded to search for the elusive forest yet again. As I was just about to forget my search for the blasted forest and go home to my nice, bug-less bed when I was overrun by a mob of unruly little urchins. At least that’s what I thought they were until closer investigation. I scooped one up from the mob by its oily hair and saw that it was a small person. “What are you?” I asked disgustedly. “Me gully dwarf of Glulg clan!” It said proudly. “Are you and your friends looking for this elusive forest too?” The Gully dwarf furrowed its brow at my complicated words. “Little man use big words.” It commented. I growled in frustration and asked, “What’re you doing here?” The little monster seemed to understand that at least. “Us come to find big tower so we make great magic! We big clan. We got…” The creature furrowed its brow again and seemed to be counting in its head. Finally, it seemed to arrive at an answer. “…No more than two in Glulg clan.” Judging from the huge crowd of gully dwarves milling around and chattering loudly to each other, I guessed that there were more than two gully dwarves in the Glulg clan. I threw the filthy thing back down and looked disgustedly at the filth soiling my white gloves (it stained and I couldn’t even get it out with bleach). I felt a pinch as the gully dwarf tried to tug at my spandex-clad leg. “What now?” I snarled “You help Glulg clan find big magic?” “No, I won’t ‘help Glulg clan find big magic’!” I mocked. “Oh.” Said the gully dwarf dejectedly. “Then you help find big forest?” I had a feeling it hadn’t heard the sarcasm in my earlier statement. “At the moment, I seem to have misplaced the forest, myself.” I said, sneering. “I think I’ll go and check in pocket, I think I left it there.” “Okay!” it said cheerily to my back “We just wait here!” As I left, I vaguely remember hearing the gully dwarf announcing proudly to his clan that “Short man bring us lots of lizard magic!” =============== Seeking a new apprentice? Want to publicize your latest magical invention? Want to sell that old wagon? Submit an ad to the Classifieds! It's free! ------
------ Rummage Sale: Noon to Midnight, Saturday ONLY, outside Tower of High Sorcery in Palanthas. Clothing, Magical artifacts, and assorted bake ware. Occupant moving; must sell. ------ For Lease: Beautiful two story home in Solace area. Three bedrooms, two and a half baths. Lovely view of Crystalmir Lake. 100 steel per month. Must be willing to sign 10 month lease. Contact: halfeleven@elfnet.net ------ Concert: June 31, Palanthas Civic Center. Acts include Megamage, Kid Knight, and Kenderkill. Tickets are 20 steel in advance, 35 steel at the door. For advance tickets or information, contact Ticketmeister at 1-888-Tickets-Now ------ *TICKETS* Get your tickets now for the 3rd Annual Krynn on Ice world tour. Bring the kids. See and meet all your favorites like Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Raistlin Majere, and Tanis Half-Woman. Seats are going fast. Call 555-1234 to reserve yours today! ------ Wanted: Skilled live-in dressmaker. Must be up to date on all the latest fashions. Competitive salary, plus room and board. Apply in person at Dargaard Keep. Please bring samples of your work. Squeamish persons need not apply. ------ Ever wish that you had your OWN Tower of High Sorcery to make those little mages jealous? Wish your apprentice would shut the abyss up and get his/her own tower? HURRY and call 1-800-Tower-Sorcery Only 7,998.99 per tower. electricity, mageware, furniture, mages, and building supplies not included. ------ Tired of being molested by draconians? Fed up with fondling from drunken dwarves and tipsy warriors? Are you just a girl in the big city trying to make a living slinging fried potatoes and ale without compromising your virtue, standards, or reputation? Then call 555-BASH and enroll in Tika Waylan Majere's Frying Pan Self-Defense Class! You'll learn how to wield a skillet so ferociously that those frisky patrons will start calling you "ma'am" and leaving you piles of steel in tips! Call today! ------
------ ===============
Caramon vs Canines My dear people, I have noticed some similarities between THE Caramon Majere and my huge, stupid, idiot dog Tuxedo (aka tux or tuxes, or even stupid and idiot!) First of all, he may LOOK big, tough, mean, and ready to kick some serious arse, but people, do not be fooled! So, Caramon Majere supposedly can jump up at any sound of an enemy or thief. The TRUTH of the matter is... he either thought someone was making him food, or it was a friend that he had to welcome, in my dogs case, by licking him/her to death, while in Caramon's case, he will probably toast it over a couple glasses of Dwarf Spirits. They are both quite large in size, and if you were jumped on by either... your guaranteed to fall over, that's for sure! Both will follow you around everywhere wanting to play a game or to get some food. The mean part... oh please! Sadly, Caramon has an IQ of about -200, while my dogs IQ is around -150... not a much talked about topic among them! Quite obvious it doesn't need to be talked about by others. Both seem to love playing with sticks. Caramon, however thought his stick he kept with him was a sword! (come on, people, do you actually think that Raist would let Caramon NEAR any sharp objects... *shudders*) Please Note: I only supply the truth, and do not mean to offend my dog Tux's fans. To him and his fan I say I am sorry, for comparing him to Caramon. ===============
Out of the Closet and Looking Good
Long thought to be mere legend, Deathknight Lord Loren
Soth came out of his mountain keep during the famed War of the Lance.
Along with him came rumors of his "alternative" lifestyle.
Now, for the first time, Soth sits down with the
Inquirer to finally lay the rumors to rest.
Dressed in a fine silk skirt of bright pink, white
shirtwaist with pink accents on the sleeves, a purple velvet cape,
and knee-high platform boots, Soth declares with a wink and an eerie smile " It's true. I am a cross-dresser."
"It all began a few years after my death," He
explains. "The curse my wretched wife cast upon me kept me chained to
the mortal realm. I felt...somewhat constrained. I tried many things,
but nothing worked.
"Then one night I went up to my wife's old bedroom,
more to wallow in self pity than anything else. As I was going
through what was left of her things, I came upon a dress that hadn't
been completely destroyed by the flames. I had bought it for her
especially for our wedding night. It was a long pink chiffon gown,
with lace on the collar and hem. It was still lovely, if a bit
charred. I don't know why, but I tried it on. I'm glad I did. I
couldn't believe how free I felt! For the first time since the curse,
I felt like myself again--strong, confident, almost alive."
Soth did not stop at wearing his wife's charred
clothing. Soon, he began seeking out the newest fashions, and the
finest fabrics.
During the War, several local tailors were discovered
dead. Their shops had apparently been robbed, but no money was found
to be missing. Only dresses and lingerie had been taken. The cause of
death was never determined, and no point of entry was discovered.
"I considered taking out an ad for a full time
dressmaker, but who would take the job? It was far easier in the long
run to take what I wanted. If a few people got killed in the process,
so be it. I am a Deathknight after all."
"That was the only thing I found unnerving about
Dargaard Keep," says Dragon Highlord and long time friend Kitiara uth
Matar. "Sometimes in the night, you'd see him roaming around the
castle in a leather dominatrix outfit and knee-high stilettos. It
made my skin crawl! I moved out after he received seven deliveries
from Victoria's Secret in one night. "
"That figures," Soths says upon hearing Kitiara's
remarks. "Can you believe that woman had not one dress in her
wardrobe? The only thing she had was a sheer dressing gown, and it
was not me."
When asked what is his style,
Soth explains, "I prefer silks and velvets, personally. I have also
been known to settle for satin when style dictates, but I find it too
stiff. "
"But I must confess, I do have a penchant for leather."
he adds with a wink. "Especially in lingerie."
"Purple is one of my best colors," he continues. "It
really brings out the fire in my eyes. But I like different shades
of pink as well. For lingerie, I prefer black, of course!
"My favorite outfit right now is a purple silk number.
It has a sweetheart neckline with a lace up bodice and flowing
broomstick skirt. It accentuates my slim waist."
Though Soth says he spends a great deal of time and
money on clothes, he is a shoe cones sour as well. "They are really
my downfall," he admits "I love stiletto heels. I must have a hundred
pair! I can't resist riding out to Nieman-Marcus when Prada has a
sale. There's just something about a new pair of shoes that makes me
feel good."
When riding into battle, however, Soth prefers good old
plate mail. "I don't want to risk ruining my good clothes in battle,"
he says. "Blood stains are notoriously hard to remove, you know. But
I do wear my favorite lace teddy under my armor whenever I lead a
charge. It gives me a sense of confidence, like I can take on the
world!"
 Soth Struts his Stuff; photo by Guin
Though Soth freely admits he loves wearing women's
clothing, he insists he is not gay. "Absolutely not," he states.
"I'm as straight as an arrow. As a matter of fact, I'm in a
relationship with a lovely young lady revenant. But that doesn't mean
I can't look fabulous!"
=============== Care to submit an article...? Email the editor! The RFVP is published whenever we feel
like writing it; |
