The Great Raistlin Biography
--for fans and fan-writers everywhere.
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Now then.  ONCE UPON A TIME…

            (don’t ask me why they all start like that!)

ANYWAY.

There once lived a lady named Rosamun in a tree town called Solace.  And to this house were brought two bundles of joy  named Hansel and Gretel. And so they lived happily ever after.

HA!!! Gotcha!

Their names were Raistlin and Caramon and—

Which one was Gretel and which one was Hansel?

What?

Which one was the girl?

NEITHER one was a girl!

Then why’d you say Hansel and Gretel?

Oh, shut up!!

Why should I??

   BANG!!

...

Now then. From birth, Raistlin was weak and Caramon was strong, 
Caramon being the elder of the 2 twins.

Actually, Caramon was *very* strong

Of course, just so the authors could keep the plot moving, Raistlin was the smarter of the two. He was, of course, hated by everyone except for the neighborhood witch (who made Raistlin tea on occasion).

So Caramon learned to fight, and Raistlin learned 

    The twins got along fine until their father, Gilon Majere, got killed by a vicious TREE.  Then things didn’t get along very well, because Rosamun died too.

IT WAS VERY SAD  :(

    But all and all, the two boys got along fine.

So one day they went to the Magical
<cue dramatic music>

TOWER OF WAYRETH!!!

...so that Raistlin could take the deadly Test. He didn’t die; Caramon did. 

    But then again, he didn’t... 

?????

                    ANYWAY.

    Raistlin ended up weak. Weaker. Yeah. And Caramon was just as big and dumb as usual.

    And Caramon watched Raistlin kill him during the Test, but he was still as big and dumb as usual. 

    And the mage (RAISTLIN) got golden skin, given to him by the evil lich Fistandantilus. (wah nah NAH!!!) And he got hourglass eyes from Par-Salian  *cough cough OLD GOAT*  
So everything looked dead to Raistlin.

This was also VERY SAD.

 (...Raistlin (the mage) was then able to get rid of the faulty clap-on lights back at the house in Solace.)

(and if you believe that I have a bridge to sell ya...)

So, as a result, they traveled around looking for $$$$ (aka Cash). 
They were flat out  b r o k e.

They joined an army. 

They fought in the army. 

They quit the army.

    Then they had to go back to Solace because they said they would.

They had to meet their friends there. 

Because they had friends: 

Tas the kender

 Tanis the Half-Elf

Sturm the Solamnic

Flint Fireforge the dwarf

Kitiara the slu— er, their half sister

and the bartender of the Inn of the Last Home, Otik.

And so Caramon married Tika and they lived happily ever after.

...

    Gotcha again!!! 

(And hey, you! Yes. YOU. Look! Somebody wrote ‘gullible’ on the ceiling!

MEANWHILE, BACK IN GOTHAM...

er... whatever.

    So Raistlin and the crew went on some adventures...

(INSERT PLOT OF CHRONICLES TRILOGY HERE)  

... and then Raistlin decided to go back in time to lose the lich, Fistandantilus, for turning his skin gold and making him take the BLACK  ROBES.
And so he did. 
And it was good.

And Caramon was just as big and dumb as ever.

    So shortly after (or was it before…?) Raistlin finished frying gnomes and hiking through the Sahara, he met up with Chrysania The Cleric again…

    What do you mean, what do I mean again? She and Raistlin met shortly after Raistlin took over the Tower of Palanthas… When was THAT...? He took over the Tower during the CHRONICLES. Keep up, would ya??

So they both went through the portal because she loved him  and he left her to die because the feeling wasn’t mutual.

    So Caramon got mad and tried to kill him.

Then a mountain hit Istar and Tas was killed. 

Again.

Almost.

    So Caramon then talked Raistlin out of taking over the world --> because Tas and he had seen that Tanis  and Bupu...

(Raistlin’s third true love, the first being Miranda who Caramon by all rights should have been engaged to, Amberyl being the second, and Chrysania being the last)

    ... and the rest of the world --> would die.

...

    So Raistlin didn’t (die…), Chrysania survived but was blind, Tas had a romping good time all around, Tanis didn’t (die…), and Tika married Caramon.
And they lived happily ever after. 

Raistlin, however, most certainly did NOT live happily ever after. He lived and died in the abyss every day, chained to a wall.

( Until he got out because the gods left… But that's another story altogether.)

( Of course, he was also free for a bit during Caramon’s son Palin’s Test.)

(Palin was also given the Staff of Magius, but he kept the white robes.)  

Not as cool, but not bad.

The moral of the story: if at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.

Errr, sorry, wrong story…

The REAL moral is: Stories that start out Once Upon a Time don’t always end in happily ever after.

And Caramon was just as big and dumb as usual.. 

But really, maybe, he wasn’t so dumb.

(After all, CARAMON'S not the one who ended up in the Abyss.)

And they all lived

happily,

ever,

after.

THE END

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